whatever they say, i don't care... by capricorno2
Title : whatever they say, i don't care...
Author : capricorno2
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/capricorno2/
Reviewed by Rin @ WonderfulxMemories
Title: 2/5
I have to say that I did not like the title of your story due to the fact that you didn't capitalize your title. The capitalization of a title is very important and it gives more elegance to the title. Also if I were to scroll down the main page I wouldn't have noticed your story because the title was very bland.
Poster/Background/Appearance: 9/10
I do not have the right to judge another graphic designer's work but it does look nice. The appearance of the contents page looked very simple and nice. It wasn't too colorful to the point where I just wanted to click the "back" arrow. The colors weren't relative to the poster but it was still nice and easy to read.
Forewords: 8/10
Your forewords was very simple which is okay. A small introduction and a summary is good enough for the forewords. Reading just the small sentences you provided us, I was able to tell that your story would be about a girl who is a plain jane with a model of a step brother and things develope from there on.
Plot: 10/15
I must say that your story plot was well done thought out but I was confused on two parts. Hebe and the rest of the cast excluding the adults are highschoolers right? In the first chapter I caught this sentence that you wrote: "You know, we’re trying to get good marks so we can go to Harvard when we’re done college." You have to be careful when it comes down to that because people will mistaken them for college students if they were meant to be high schoolers. I say that because Harvard is already a college/university so you wouldn't go to Harvard again if you finished college unless they were going for an eight year term kind of thing. Another part was the fact that Hebe carries and wears a lot of expensive brand names like Gucci. If she's "poor" or whatnot how can she afford all these brand names but is amazed at how grand Arron's house was. How come she didn't own one also? Besides that, there was a lot of suspense, love, drama all into one story which is great. All the mystery that built throughout the story made me very excited to click the "next" button. In rare cases, I find myself actually excited to read the next chapter so I give you full points for that.
Characterization: 8/10
I've seen many changes in Arron. At first I'd think he suffered from Bipolar because his mood was unpredictable and changed as quickly as the weather. But I just realized he was falling for Hebe. You did a good job on your characters but you could explain the characters' features more to give us a clear visualization on their appearance especially if we didn't know who they were.
Creativity/Originality: 6/10
Your plot was one of the most overused plots due to the fact that it reminded me of Devil Beside You. Although it wasn't entirely based on that drama, but almost everything in your story wasn't original. The main girl breaking up with her boyfriend because she wants this certain person to be happy. Some crazy psycho on the loose blackmails her. And so on. When I review stories, Rainie always seem to be the malicious one in the story. Although I loved your little twists to it. It made your story all the while very enjoyable to read.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
I found no spelling mistakes but some grammar mistakes. You must be careful when it comes to grammar. Before submitting a chapter, it is recommended - to all writers for that matter - to re-read your chapter to fix mistakes so it doesn't throw the readers off. You can also have people edit your chapters for you. It is also encouraged to broaden your vocabulary. You use every day words and it can make your story seem very plain.
Flow: 10/10
The flow was perfect. It wasn't too fast or too slow.
Writing Style: 10/15
Your writing style is average. You write a lot of dialogue so you should add more emotions and details to their actions to give us more of a feel to the story. You had short passages and you should combined some of the sentences to make them paragraphs so the chapters don't look like a mess.
In Chapter 20 you wrote:
I was lost. My thoughts were so far away I wasn’t able to see clearly what was surrounding me. It was a blur. The anonymous messages. Guigui not acting like herself. The stolen pictures. The flower pot that descended from above. The puzzles clicked together. It all became clear.
Those messages were sent by Rainie. Guigui was hypnotized when she locked me in in the abandoned house. The pictures were stolen when Rainie went to Mike’s place. And the flower pot. No wonder why Rainie’s nail was broken.
So it was all planned out from the very beginning? All planned out so that I would leave Aaron alone? All planned out so that Aaron would return back to her side? So everything Rainie said last night, everything that she meant last night, was for me to leave Aaron alone and to never be with him again? The thought of me being a friend she could trust, could talk to, was it all just me?
No. I’m just over thinking it. Rainie wouldn’t do something like that. We’re friends. She wouldn’t do that to me, she wouldn’t hurt me.
Not wanting to face the truth, I left the coffee shop without a single word and returned back into the car. Forcing a smile, I started the engine. I still wasn’t able to figure out my thoughts, my feelings. I felt like I was about to cry, but I forced myself not to. Not until I figure out the truth.
I didn’t know where I was heading, it Rainie who gave out the directions. Bit by bit did I realize that we’ve slowly entered a deserted forest, probably no one knows about its existence. I don’t know why, but something felt wrong. Why would Rainie want to come to a place like this? Suddenly, Rainie called for a stop. But we were in the middle of the forest, and nothing was here except for trees.
Unable to keep it in anymore, I decided to face her. But when I turned around, I realized the usual Rainie I knew wasn’t there anymore. This Rainie was different. Her eyes piercing as she took out a knife, pointing it at me.
You can write:
I was lost. My thoughts were so far away I wasn’t able to see clearly what was surrounding me. It was a blur. The anonymous messages. Guigui not acting like herself. The stolen pictures. The flower pot that descended from above. The puzzles clicked together. It all became clear. Those messages were sent by Rainie. Guigui was hypnotized when she locked me in in the abandoned house. The pictures were stolen when Rainie went to Mike’s place. And the flower pot. No wonder why Rainie’s nail was broken.
So it was all planned out from the very beginning? All planned out so that I would leave Aaron alone? All planned out so that Aaron would return back to her side? So everything Rainie said last night, everything that she meant last night, was for me to leave Aaron alone and to never be with him again? The thought of me being a friend she could trust, could talk to, was it all just me? No. I’m just over thinking it. Rainie wouldn’t do something like that. We’re friends. She wouldn’t do that to me, she wouldn’t hurt me. Not wanting to face the truth, I left the coffee shop without a single word and returned back into the car. Forcing a smile, I started the engine.
I still wasn’t able to figure out my thoughts, my feelings. I felt like I was about to cry, but I forced myself not to. Not until I figure out the truth. I didn’t know where I was heading, it Rainie who gave out the directions. Bit by bit did I realize that we’ve slowly entered a deserted forest, probably no one knows about its existence. I don’t know why, but something felt wrong. Why would Rainie want to come to a place like this? Suddenly, Rainie called for a stop. But we were in the middle of the forest, and nothing was here except for trees. Unable to keep it in anymore, I decided to face her. But when I turned around, I realized the usual Rainie I knew wasn’t there anymore. This Rainie was different. Her eyes piercing as she took out a knife, pointing it at me.
--
You see the difference? The first passage looks sort of messy but the second passage looks more organized.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Total: 75/100
Bonus: 5/5
Overall Total: 80/100
Author : capricorno2
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/capricorno2/
Reviewed by Rin @ WonderfulxMemories
Title: 2/5
I have to say that I did not like the title of your story due to the fact that you didn't capitalize your title. The capitalization of a title is very important and it gives more elegance to the title. Also if I were to scroll down the main page I wouldn't have noticed your story because the title was very bland.
Poster/Background/Appearance: 9/10
I do not have the right to judge another graphic designer's work but it does look nice. The appearance of the contents page looked very simple and nice. It wasn't too colorful to the point where I just wanted to click the "back" arrow. The colors weren't relative to the poster but it was still nice and easy to read.
Forewords: 8/10
Your forewords was very simple which is okay. A small introduction and a summary is good enough for the forewords. Reading just the small sentences you provided us, I was able to tell that your story would be about a girl who is a plain jane with a model of a step brother and things develope from there on.
Plot: 10/15
I must say that your story plot was well done thought out but I was confused on two parts. Hebe and the rest of the cast excluding the adults are highschoolers right? In the first chapter I caught this sentence that you wrote: "You know, we’re trying to get good marks so we can go to Harvard when we’re done college." You have to be careful when it comes down to that because people will mistaken them for college students if they were meant to be high schoolers. I say that because Harvard is already a college/university so you wouldn't go to Harvard again if you finished college unless they were going for an eight year term kind of thing. Another part was the fact that Hebe carries and wears a lot of expensive brand names like Gucci. If she's "poor" or whatnot how can she afford all these brand names but is amazed at how grand Arron's house was. How come she didn't own one also? Besides that, there was a lot of suspense, love, drama all into one story which is great. All the mystery that built throughout the story made me very excited to click the "next" button. In rare cases, I find myself actually excited to read the next chapter so I give you full points for that.
Characterization: 8/10
I've seen many changes in Arron. At first I'd think he suffered from Bipolar because his mood was unpredictable and changed as quickly as the weather. But I just realized he was falling for Hebe. You did a good job on your characters but you could explain the characters' features more to give us a clear visualization on their appearance especially if we didn't know who they were.
Creativity/Originality: 6/10
Your plot was one of the most overused plots due to the fact that it reminded me of Devil Beside You. Although it wasn't entirely based on that drama, but almost everything in your story wasn't original. The main girl breaking up with her boyfriend because she wants this certain person to be happy. Some crazy psycho on the loose blackmails her. And so on. When I review stories, Rainie always seem to be the malicious one in the story. Although I loved your little twists to it. It made your story all the while very enjoyable to read.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
I found no spelling mistakes but some grammar mistakes. You must be careful when it comes to grammar. Before submitting a chapter, it is recommended - to all writers for that matter - to re-read your chapter to fix mistakes so it doesn't throw the readers off. You can also have people edit your chapters for you. It is also encouraged to broaden your vocabulary. You use every day words and it can make your story seem very plain.
Flow: 10/10
The flow was perfect. It wasn't too fast or too slow.
Writing Style: 10/15
Your writing style is average. You write a lot of dialogue so you should add more emotions and details to their actions to give us more of a feel to the story. You had short passages and you should combined some of the sentences to make them paragraphs so the chapters don't look like a mess.
In Chapter 20 you wrote:
I was lost. My thoughts were so far away I wasn’t able to see clearly what was surrounding me. It was a blur. The anonymous messages. Guigui not acting like herself. The stolen pictures. The flower pot that descended from above. The puzzles clicked together. It all became clear.
Those messages were sent by Rainie. Guigui was hypnotized when she locked me in in the abandoned house. The pictures were stolen when Rainie went to Mike’s place. And the flower pot. No wonder why Rainie’s nail was broken.
So it was all planned out from the very beginning? All planned out so that I would leave Aaron alone? All planned out so that Aaron would return back to her side? So everything Rainie said last night, everything that she meant last night, was for me to leave Aaron alone and to never be with him again? The thought of me being a friend she could trust, could talk to, was it all just me?
No. I’m just over thinking it. Rainie wouldn’t do something like that. We’re friends. She wouldn’t do that to me, she wouldn’t hurt me.
Not wanting to face the truth, I left the coffee shop without a single word and returned back into the car. Forcing a smile, I started the engine. I still wasn’t able to figure out my thoughts, my feelings. I felt like I was about to cry, but I forced myself not to. Not until I figure out the truth.
I didn’t know where I was heading, it Rainie who gave out the directions. Bit by bit did I realize that we’ve slowly entered a deserted forest, probably no one knows about its existence. I don’t know why, but something felt wrong. Why would Rainie want to come to a place like this? Suddenly, Rainie called for a stop. But we were in the middle of the forest, and nothing was here except for trees.
Unable to keep it in anymore, I decided to face her. But when I turned around, I realized the usual Rainie I knew wasn’t there anymore. This Rainie was different. Her eyes piercing as she took out a knife, pointing it at me.
You can write:
I was lost. My thoughts were so far away I wasn’t able to see clearly what was surrounding me. It was a blur. The anonymous messages. Guigui not acting like herself. The stolen pictures. The flower pot that descended from above. The puzzles clicked together. It all became clear. Those messages were sent by Rainie. Guigui was hypnotized when she locked me in in the abandoned house. The pictures were stolen when Rainie went to Mike’s place. And the flower pot. No wonder why Rainie’s nail was broken.
So it was all planned out from the very beginning? All planned out so that I would leave Aaron alone? All planned out so that Aaron would return back to her side? So everything Rainie said last night, everything that she meant last night, was for me to leave Aaron alone and to never be with him again? The thought of me being a friend she could trust, could talk to, was it all just me? No. I’m just over thinking it. Rainie wouldn’t do something like that. We’re friends. She wouldn’t do that to me, she wouldn’t hurt me. Not wanting to face the truth, I left the coffee shop without a single word and returned back into the car. Forcing a smile, I started the engine.
I still wasn’t able to figure out my thoughts, my feelings. I felt like I was about to cry, but I forced myself not to. Not until I figure out the truth. I didn’t know where I was heading, it Rainie who gave out the directions. Bit by bit did I realize that we’ve slowly entered a deserted forest, probably no one knows about its existence. I don’t know why, but something felt wrong. Why would Rainie want to come to a place like this? Suddenly, Rainie called for a stop. But we were in the middle of the forest, and nothing was here except for trees. Unable to keep it in anymore, I decided to face her. But when I turned around, I realized the usual Rainie I knew wasn’t there anymore. This Rainie was different. Her eyes piercing as she took out a knife, pointing it at me.
--
You see the difference? The first passage looks sort of messy but the second passage looks more organized.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
Total: 75/100
Bonus: 5/5
Overall Total: 80/100
posted by WonderfulxMemories at
5:51 PM
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